Designing the Alliance in Relationship Coaching

By Lisa G. Kramer MSW, PCC

The initial coaching session, often referred to as the intake or discovery session, represents a new beginning in any coaching relationship. It establishes the foundation for the relationship and sets a tone of mutual responsibility for coach and client. There is a delicate balance between following a prescribed agenda that you, the coach, bring to the session and being fully present with your client and the direction he/she wants to go. This balance is an aspect of designing the coaching alliance; customizing the relationship to create the conditions that will allow each client to achieve optimal results from the coaching.

The process of designing the alliance in relationship coaching is quite different from working with individual clients. Regardless of the type of relationship---be it a marriage, a business partnership, or even a parent/child relationship---the coach must establish a connection with two people simultaneously. The manner in which the coach engages the clients/partners sets the stage for a coaching relationship that is based on mutual respect and trust, and that encourages each person to become more aware, to take risks and to move forward in the direction that will serve the greater good of the relationship.  There are certain key ingredients for coaches to consider in order to successfully design the alliance in relationship coaching.

I. The Welcome Packet – Similar to individual coaching, the Welcome Packet is given to relationship coaching clients prior to the initial session. It typically includes the following: a welcome letter, coaching agreement and inventory, general information about relationship coaching, prep form, and relationship wheel. The coaching inventory can be completed by each person separately or by both clients/partners together and then emailed back to the coach prior to the initial session. The coach should emphasize from the beginning the importance of each person’s input in completing the inventory. The questions asked in the inventory begin to stimulate thoughts and ideas about what clients want to achieve in relationship coaching.

II. Setting the Foundation – It is critical to set a solid foundation upon which a successful coaching relationship can be built. This includes a discussion of what relationship coaching is, the differences between coaching and therapy, the coaching agreement and the focus for coaching. Some questions to consider are:

a.    Why have you decided to work with a relationship coach at this time?

b.    What would you like to achieve in relationship coaching?

c.     What are some strengths in your relationship as well as individual strengths that will support you to achieve these results?

d.     What are some barriers or obstacles that might get in the way?

e.     How can I best support you as your coach to achieve your goals?

In discussing these questions, it is important for the coach to elicit responses from both clients/partners. It is not unusual for one partner to be more outspoken. However the coach should not assume that one partner’s response to a question is true for both partners.

III. Establishing Trust – While trust is an essential ingredient for any coaching relationship, in relationship coaching it means that the coach listens fully to each person and conveys the importance of having each voice be heard. In addition, the coach pays attention to her own responses and makes sure that she remains neutral and does not ally more with one person than the other.

IV. Asking for Permission to Coach the
Relationship – In relationship coaching, it is the relationship that is the client. Clients/partners may look to the coach as the relationship expert. By asking for permission, the coach conveys the collaborative nature of coaching and reinforces that the clients/partners are creative, resourceful, and whole.

Coaching Mastery Illustration

Beth and Bob hired Diane for relationship coaching because they were experiencing difficulty with the way they related about finances. They were basically satisfied with their relationship and felt that their difference regarding finances was beginning to affect other areas of the relationship. During the initial meeting, Diane was aware that Bob tended to answer her questions while Beth sat back and was fairly quiet and reserved. She also noticed that when Beth did respond to a question, Bob interrupted her and finished her statement. Beth appeared quite comfortable with this, and she showed no outward reaction to Bob’s interruptions. Since this was her first meeting with the couple, Diane chose not to raise her observations, but simply made a mental note of them. In setting the foundation, she educated the couple about the process of relationship coaching, including the responsibility of each person in contributing to a successful outcome.

Question to consider: What might have been the impact on the coaching relationship if Diane had raised her observations with Beth and Bob in the initial meeting?

Lisa Kramer MSW, PCC, is a professional coach, coach trainer, author and speaker. Lisa is passionate about assisting coaches, psychotherapists, counselors and spiritual leaders in their professional development. She is the author of Coaching with Intention and Loving with Intention: A Guide for Relationship Coaching. Lisa is on the faculty of the Institute for Life Coach Training where she trains professionals to become coaches. For more information, contact Lisa at Lisa@livingwithintention.com or visit: www.livingwithintention.com and www.lovingwithintention.com

 

 

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