Creating a Conscious Relationship

By Lisa G. Kramer MSW, PCC

As a professional coach, I engage in conversation with my clients about their purpose, their vision for a fulfilling life, their dreams and desires. Our work is focused on narrowing the gap between where they are and where they want to be. In relationship coaching with couples, there is another layer, the relationship vision, in addition to each partner’s personal vision. The relationship vision is designed by both partners, and the process of co-creating it enables couples to consciously explore and then articulate what they want from the relationship and from each other. From there the work focuses on narrowing the gap between where the couple is now and where they want to be. Important questions are: how does each partner’s personal vision fit with the vision for the relationship? Conversely, how does the relationship vision fit with each partner’s personal vision? The answers to these questions are essential in order for couples to create a conscious relationship — to love with intention.

Theoretical Background

In his bestselling book Getting the Love You Want, psychologist Harville Hendrix explains his Imago relationship theory in the following way: In a committed partnership each individual carries the blueprint for the other’s psychological and spiritual growth. What this means is that the needs and desires of one partner are exactly what the other partner must satisfy in order to become whole themselves. In relationship coaching, the process of creating a shared vision and then developing and implementing a plan to achieve the vision is how this blueprint becomes real. There are aspects of the shared vision where both partners are in agreement as well as aspects of the vision where partners differ. It is precisely these areas of difference that provide the greatest opportunity for growth because they require each partner to stretch out of their comfort zone to accommodate their partner. And that stretching is fertile ground for psychological and spiritual growth!

Coaching Illustration

After raising three children, Bob and Cindy decided to work with a coach to rekindle the passion in their marriage. In creating a shared relationship vision, Cindy realized that one aspect of her relationship with Bob that was missing for her was making time each day to connect in some meaningful way. This included going for a walk, sitting at the kitchen table talking, playing a game or snuggling in the bedroom. While Bob also wanted to make time to connect with Cindy, he felt consumed by his job and all of the work that needed to be completed in the home they recently purchased.

Through coaching, Bob recognized that his constant busyness was a way he isolated himself from others, including Cindy. He was not aware of his behavior until he and Cindy began to discuss their vision for the relationship. By honoring Cindy’s request to make time to connect each day, Bob learned how to be more present in his relationship with her. This deepened their connection, and it also helped Bob to become more present in other areas of his life, including his relationships with his three children.

The relationship vision also made Bob more aware of how much he wanted Cindy to work with him on the house projects so that the house would be a reflection of both of them. Cindy had always assumed that Bob wanted to do the work by himself since he was a skilled handyman, and he had never asked her to join him. By honoring Bob’s request to work with him on the house, Cindy learned new ways of connecting with her husband. She also took great delight in learning home improvement skills from Bob!

There are a multitude of benefits that result from stretching out of our comfort zone to meet the needs of our partner. Here are just some of them:

•    We connect with parts of ourselves that we never knew existed. In the illustration above, Cindy experienced the pleasure of engaging in home improvement projects with her husband as her teacher. Bob learned what it meant to be more present for his partner and for himself.

•    We learn what it means to truly give of ourselves to another person. That is what Harville Hendrix defines as essence of agape love–“the self-transformational act of caring absolutely and unconditionally for another in the exact way they need to be cared for.” (Hendrix, 2001)

•    The partner who receives the ‘gift’ feels deeply cared for and loved.

•    The relationship becomes stronger and there is a deepening of trust and intimacy.

•    There is a ripple effect on the lives of those around us. This ripple effect contributes to healing the planet!

Recommended reading

Getting the Love You Want by Harville
Hendrix (Owl Books, 2001)

Lisa Kramer MSW, PCC, is a professional coach, coach trainer, author and speaker Lisa is passionate about assisting coaches, psychotherapists, counselors and spiritual leaders in their professional development She is the author of Coaching with Intention and Loving with Intention: A Guide for Relationship Coaching. Lisa is on the faculty of the Institute for Life Coach Training where she trains professionals to become coaches. For more information, contact Lisa at Lisa@livingwithintention.com or visit: www.livingwithintention.com and www.lovingwithintention.com

 

 

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